I kinda... never do anything artsy lately, for a few months already, so...

consider me dead, until I make a come back if I'll ever make a come back...

How many of you people out there
Been hurt in some kind of love affair
And how many times do you swear that youll never love again?
How many lonely, sleepless nights
How many lies, how many fights
And why would you want to put yourself through all that again?

love is pain, I hear you say
Love has a cruel and bitter way
Of paying you back for all the faith you ever had in your brain
How could it be that what you need the most
Can leave you feeling just like a ghost?
You never want to feel so sad and lost again

One day you could be looking
Through an old book in rainy weather
You see a picture of her smiling at you
When you were still together
You could be walking down the street
And who should you chance to meet
But that same old smile that youve been thinking of all day



sting - brand new day
<3

and now only if the amount of journal entries could be compared to the amount of new artsies I upload -_- *sigh*

it was nice of him to come back and drag me out of my downward spiral. so I didn't become the same emotionless shell as I was before, but then again...
at least it was safe and peaceful that way =/

I shouldn't be thinking that way, but it's so tough and hard going through life like this. like... well, to be honest, like normal people do.

an average day for an average person costs so much energy for me, more than normal. it makes me want to fall back into the safe arms of therapy and retarddation and insanity. just because this costs so much energy.

and then, atop of that, everything has to be so difficult lately. happiness won't just come to you, you have to fight for it with every last drop of blood you have.
and already having so little energy left because of a normal day, it's hard for me to keep my head straight and even try to achieve MORE than just that.
though, to be honest, other people could be more easier and less worryful. no, it's not their fault; just indicating that it's apparently not average happiness I am striving for. it's more complicated.
dose of my bad fucking luck.<


I wish I could just quietly and softly fall back into my insanity and emotionless state of mind as before.
to stop caring, being only selfish and ego centric.

for this really is pushing me to the edge.
(they just don't know they are doing that)


nevermind, walk on.

when you got a lot on your mind, you get long and many entries. so beware, I got too much on my mind and at the moment to much time at hand.
oh goodygoody, you'll enjoy... you'll see.

first of all; what about the art?
well, as you could have noticed by now, teh vorkje has about stopped drawing and photographing =/ several reasons, some to do with time, other with inspiration...
and a bit of lacking self-esteem suddenly to do something new.
and no, no shittalk of "but you're so cool please make some new artsies!" because it's not because of that, it's something else. kthnxbye (no, you don't have to understand this)
nevermind.

whenever I might start making art again, you'll be the first to know... if it's not on the news or something.
though have to admit, I never really was a productive artist, now was I?
I should really shop for a muse on e-bay.


and second: noise.
chaos, random, confusion, worried, tired tired tired and emotionally drained.

but especially being worried.
it seems to have become my neutral mood: being worried the shit out of myself because of someone. it's what I am for, no? I don't know...
it worries me (surprise surprise) because it was something my therapist really cracked her ass open for to teach me to stop that.

think about yourself too, you'll only drag yourself down when you interfere too much with people, you can't carry the world by yourself, you can't do much more than you do, etc etc etc

well, I can't carry the world by myself, no. but at least I can try. heh, I rather collapse under its weight than knowing that there was more I could have done, and didn't do it in the end.
if everyone decided they could carry the world on my shoulders, it would already make a difference...

one night I was tired of problems from others and texted whoever came to mind. a dear friend of mine who already has been on my mind quite often lately was my choice.
bladiebla down to the point, eventually he said that I was "too sweet for this world".
no offence to this exceptional cannibalistic creature, but it's sad when people are able to make a measurement out of something like sweetness or love...
there should be limits and boundaries for negative characteristics and shit, but too sweet? no, you can't be too sweet. I detest the idea and the word so much that I wish it was grammatical incorrect or something =/

like "he is too dead". what dead? you can't be too dead, you're just dead! dead is the extreme.
"he is too sweet" what sweet? you can never be too sweet!



in the end, it is all selfish I guess. perhaps I am a very selfish human. perhaps eventually I will end up being a monster using people just for her own use. to get her own way. manipulation... I wish I wasn't able to do that, you know.
sounds creepy? nah, don't worry. I worry too much about people to be able to hurt someone.
...which makes me a perfect object to abuse =/
but that's another subject I already have been talking to much about lately...
no it wasn't his fault. it wasn't mine either. I don't know whos it was.
karma, I guess.
and a regular dose of my bad fucking luck.

I don't know anymore
he doesn't either.
the world's a mess, and so are we.




it's not what you thought
when you first began it
you got what you want
now you can hardly stand it though
but now you know
it's not going to stop
til you wise up

you're sure there's a cure
and you have finally found it
you think one drink
will shrink you til you're underground
and living down
but it's not going to stop
it is not going to stop
until you wise up

prepare a list for what you need
before you sign away the deed
cause it's not going to stop

just please don't give up...