when you got a lot on your mind, you get long and many entries. so beware, I got too much on my mind and at the moment to much time at hand.
oh goodygoody, you'll enjoy... you'll see.

first of all; what about the art?
well, as you could have noticed by now, teh vorkje has about stopped drawing and photographing =/ several reasons, some to do with time, other with inspiration...
and a bit of lacking self-esteem suddenly to do something new.
and no, no shittalk of "but you're so cool please make some new artsies!" because it's not because of that, it's something else. kthnxbye (no, you don't have to understand this)
nevermind.

whenever I might start making art again, you'll be the first to know... if it's not on the news or something.
though have to admit, I never really was a productive artist, now was I?
I should really shop for a muse on e-bay.


and second: noise.
chaos, random, confusion, worried, tired tired tired and emotionally drained.

but especially being worried.
it seems to have become my neutral mood: being worried the shit out of myself because of someone. it's what I am for, no? I don't know...
it worries me (surprise surprise) because it was something my therapist really cracked her ass open for to teach me to stop that.

think about yourself too, you'll only drag yourself down when you interfere too much with people, you can't carry the world by yourself, you can't do much more than you do, etc etc etc

well, I can't carry the world by myself, no. but at least I can try. heh, I rather collapse under its weight than knowing that there was more I could have done, and didn't do it in the end.
if everyone decided they could carry the world on my shoulders, it would already make a difference...

one night I was tired of problems from others and texted whoever came to mind. a dear friend of mine who already has been on my mind quite often lately was my choice.
bladiebla down to the point, eventually he said that I was "too sweet for this world".
no offence to this exceptional cannibalistic creature, but it's sad when people are able to make a measurement out of something like sweetness or love...
there should be limits and boundaries for negative characteristics and shit, but too sweet? no, you can't be too sweet. I detest the idea and the word so much that I wish it was grammatical incorrect or something =/

like "he is too dead". what dead? you can't be too dead, you're just dead! dead is the extreme.
"he is too sweet" what sweet? you can never be too sweet!



in the end, it is all selfish I guess. perhaps I am a very selfish human. perhaps eventually I will end up being a monster using people just for her own use. to get her own way. manipulation... I wish I wasn't able to do that, you know.
sounds creepy? nah, don't worry. I worry too much about people to be able to hurt someone.
...which makes me a perfect object to abuse =/
but that's another subject I already have been talking to much about lately...
no it wasn't his fault. it wasn't mine either. I don't know whos it was.
karma, I guess.
and a regular dose of my bad fucking luck.